Hurting But Hopeful

It has been almost three months since my last post. Heartfelt I am... but consistent I am not!! A whole lot has happened in the last three months. Very little of it has been anything good to talk about. Most of it has been hard...very hard. Some of it has completely wrecked me.

I have tried to make sense of my circumstances and they just don't make sense. I have tried to understand and rationalize, and I just can't. I have tried to find some sort of answer where there is no answer to be found. The only answer I can find right now, is that even through all of the pain, there is still hope.

There is an entire section in Romans 12 that talks about how we are to live as Christians in this world. There are a lot of instructions... love your neighbor, be fervent in serving the Lord, help those around you, hate what is evil and cling to what is good, just to name a few. But verse 12 speaks volumes to me right now in the place that I am walking in.

"rejoicing in hope, patient in tribulation, continuing steadfastly in prayer"

These three things are listed under this section in Romans about how to behave as a Christian. I understand being patient in tribulation and continuing steadfastly in prayer. Rejoicing in Hope is a little bit harder for me to comprehend.

Hope is a word that has eluded me for many years. When I hear people talk about Hope, I just can't grasp that concept very easily. I think mostly because of my personality. I need things to be laid out for me, in a clear, concise, explainable way. Hope is not a tangible thing, so it is much harder for me to accept.

Romans 8:24-25 helps me sort it out somewhat...  

"... hope that is seen is not hope; for why does one still hope for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we eagerly wait for it with perseverance."

Me and my need for tangible, concrete, black and white stuff in life is just out of luck when it comes to HOPE! Hope is not tangible, concrete, or black and white... and if it were it wouldn't be hope, it would be something else. Then I came across Hebrews 6:19-20. 

"This hope we have as an anchor of the soul, both sure and steadfast, and which enters the Presence behind the veil, where the forerunner has entered for us, even Jesus, having become High Priest forever according to the order of Melchizedek."

Jesus is my hope, an anchor of the soul, sure and steadfast... those words are pretty concrete, and tangible, and black and white... It is a hard and fast promise. Not a maybe... or an If I'm good enough... or lucky enough... but a sure and steadfast anchor of my hurting soul.

What exactly am I hoping for? Peace. Internal peace... That is it. Nothing more. I am not sure that my circumstances will change and no matter what I do, I certainly can't make them change... so my hope in Jesus isn't a hope that my circumstances will change. It is only a hope for my own inner peace.