Step Study Successes and Life Change

Hi, my name is Brenda, I am a grateful believer in Jesus and I am in Recovery for Anxiety, Depression, Codependency, and Love and Relationship Addiction.

If you come to celebrate recovery (CR) with me, this is what you might hear me say when it is my turn to speak in small group or step study. What I typically don’t say is that I am overcoming self-harm. Not because I won’t admit it, but because for me it has been a result of the Anxiety… so in regards to my recovery, Anxiety recovery has been my focus.

I say that just as a little background info to help you understand the rest of what I want to share today. I began my first ever CR Step Study back in February (I think). I was excited but really had no idea what to expect and honestly didn’t have any real expectations. I thought it could be a good thing, but I wasn’t expecting any major life change.

Last night as I finished my very last written assignment for this Step Study, I realized a few things. First of all, for all the days that I felt like this would never end, I made it!! 9 months later, I made it to the end of Step Study!! WOW!!

Secondly… I really had experienced some life change, it just happened so subtly, one day at a time, one moment at a time, that I hadn’t been able to notice it along the way. So what exactly changed and why?

When I started step study, I would only say that I was in recovery for Anxiety, Depression and Codependency. One change is that I learned that I have a Love and Relationship Addiction. Now, if you don’t know what that is (and it honestly can be different things for different people) let me explain what it is for me.

My husband and I have been together for 15 years, married for 14. We haven’t had a perfect marriage. Life gets in the way and it is HARD! Through the process of Step Study and sharing my inventory with my sponsor, I was lovingly advised, that I had put my husband in the roll of God in my life. That I was hurt by my husband’s shortcomings, but it wasn’t so much because of his shortcomings (we all have them, we are all human) it was because I was depending on him to be for me what only God could be for me. So when he failed (and he would, because no one but God can fill those God size holes in our hearts) then I would be hurt and upset at him. I was holding him to an unreasonable standard. I was depending on my husband to give me the love and security that I thought I needed to be ok, but the only love and security that I need to be ok is the love and security that I can find in Jesus. Now, this is a new revelation to me and I will not say that I have overcome this… but I am now aware of it, and I can work the steps and work on letting God fill those holes… there are plenty that need to be filled!!

The other thing that has happened over the course of this step study, is that I have managed 7 months without using self-harm as a coping mechanism. I hadn’t even really thought about it until the last few weeks. I still have a lot of anxiety and I still have occasional panic attacks, but I have not coped with it using self-harm. That in itself is huge, but considering the fact that the last few months have been the hardest of my life, to say that I have managed to get through the days (and long, dark, HARD nights) without turning to that coping mechanism is pretty huge! THANK YOU JESUS and THANK YOU CELEBRATE RECOVERY!!!

Now for the story of why. The ultimate reason that these things are changing is because of Jesus Christ. He is the only one who I can credit to for this. However, one of the greatest blessings that I believe Jesus gives us in life is community.

Before Step Study, I attended CR but I didn’t make many connections. That wasn’t because the opportunity wasn’t there, but because I really didn’t want to. I struggle with large groups and I usually just feel invisible and do not do a good job at all of reaching outside of myself in those situations. Step Study gave me a community of women to lean on. People to call or text. People to pray. People to love me and become new lifelong friends!!

Along with community, Step Study also gave me accountability. This community of women cared enough to check on me and see how I was doing. I gained a Sponsor to help me along this recovery journey. She has both loved and encouraged me as well as pushed and challenged me.

Step Study has also given me a plan. A written plan for overcoming life’s hurts, habits and hang ups. It has given me tools to use to go from where I am in life to somewhere better! The CR curriculum is amazing, but ultimately what makes it so amazing, is it is a step by step guide to bring me closer to Jesus and allowing him to work on the places inside of me that need healing or need change.

I have a friend who has consistently said, “we weren’t meant to live life alone” and I believe that now more than I ever have before. I am thankful for my new community in Christ. I am thankful for my Step Sisters, both the ones who love on me and the ones who hold my feet to the fire. And I am thankful for my Sponsor. I’m not sure I would have even finished this step study without her, and now I honestly can’t wait until I can sign up for another one!!

The Giving End of Grace

Grace is one of the greatest gifts a person can receive whether that grace comes from God or from another human being. The idea of grace is appealing to all of us and it should be! No matter how close we are to the Lord, we are all imperfect humans who occasionally mess up. Some of us mess up more often than others, but none of us are perfect. That is where grace and forgiveness come into the picture.

We love the idea of grace and forgiveness when we are on the receiving end, but how do we feel about it when we are the one who needs to extend it to someone else. When it is our turn to forgive and extend grace to another, how excited do we get? For some people maybe it depends… on the circumstances, on the level of offense, on the hurt you feel, or on any other number of factors.

How often do we determine our willingness to extend grace based on “how bad” the offense was of the person we need to extend grace to? I would venture to say, at least initially, that it factors into our thought process nearly every time we are faced with the decision. That is our human nature I suppose. We somehow think that in order to extend grace the other person has to earn it, or show remorse, or change. But that isn’t what grace is at all.

Grace according to the dictionary is an unmerited, undeserved, act of kindness, courtesy, or clemency. Clemency gets into the legal realm… the only people who request clemency are people who have been found guilty and sentenced. Prisoners on death row are sometimes granted clemency by the Governor and spared their life. Ya’ll… this grace thing isn’t for perfect people; it is for imperfect, guilty people.

Grace and forgiveness are a blessing to the receiver, but it is also freedom for the giver! Extending grace does not mean excusing behavior. It doesn’t mean that you continue to put yourself in a position where someone can continue to hurt you. It doesn’t mean that you don’t expect better in the future. But what it does do is it removes the weight and burden from the giver. What the receiver of grace does isn’t the issue… what giving grace does for the giver is.

Let’s get really honest for a minute though. Most of us don’t hesitate to extend grace because we want to be bitter or hold onto the past. Most of us just want a better tomorrow. We want things to be different. We want things to change. We want the other person to learn and grown and be different in the future. We think that we need to see the change before we can give the grace. That is nice when that can happen, but in all honesty, that probably won’t be your reality.

I read an article online today where the writer said, “Shame didn’t teach me. Grace did. And I didn’t learn grace by hearing about it, but by being the recipient of it.”

What a powerful statement. Is it possible, that the results we are hoping for by putting our foot down, and demanding change before we offer grace, are the exact results we could obtain if we offer grace instead of demanding change. What if grace is actually the catalyst for change?

I would love to hear your stories! I know you all have some!! How has swallowing your pride and showing grace to others resulted in change in your life? Leave your story in the comments!!

Identity Crisis Diverted

Our family began attending Celebrate Recovery back in September of last year. When I mention Celebrate Recovery, some people look at me funny but some are actually brave enough to just say what they were thinking... "Why do you go to celebrate recovery? You aren't an addict are you"? No. I'm not an addict, but when someone tells you that Celebrate Recovery is for EVERYONE you should definitely believe them!

In the beginning, I was attending to support a loved one in their recovery journey. I had no idea how much I needed it for myself. I have spent years struggling with Anxiety, Depression, Codependency, and occasionaly self-harm. I knew the self-harm was a bad thing and an "issue" but the rest of it, I didn't lable as a problem. Instead, I told myself that it was a part of my personality. I told myself that God created me this way and that it was just "who I am". I would tell myself that being depressed more than happy, anxious and nervous to the point of injuring myself, and worrying constantly about everyone else that mattered to me in my life to the point of driving myself further and further into that anxious cycle that eventually led to self harming again... I told myself that all of that ridiculous hot mess of how I was living my life... I told myself that that was "How God Made Me".

That was a big fat ugly lie from satan himself!! Anxiety and Depression are not who I am as a person. They are not a part of my personality. They are not a never ending part of my life. Life is hard. Good days and bad days come. There are all kinds of factors that contribute to Anxiety and Depression and I will not sit here and say that someone can just "snap out of it" or change how they feel and think overnight. Not at all!! In a lot of cases, Anxiety and Depression are real medical issues and should not be ignored. But, they are not an ingrained part of anyones existence.

Growing up in Christian School and Church I was raised to belive that God made me who I am and that He loves me for who I am. And that is true!! But isn't it interesting the way satan can twist what God intends for good and try and turn it into something bad. Yes, God loves me for who I am, but His plan for my life is not to stay a broken, depressed, anxious hot mess!! He is a GOOD FATHER and he wants better for me. While He may allow hard times, He allows them to build character and help me to get closer to Him. He does not allow them for me to take them on as my personal identiy!!

 Jesus and Celebrate Recovery are helping me to get through the day to day. I still don't know exactly how to do it all and I will still struggle... ALOT; but I will no longer accept my anxiety, depression, and codependency as a part of my design. They are a struggle of this life. They are NOT what God created me for!!

The God that I Know

I heard this song on the radio last week and I immediately shared it with a friend of mine. I really couldn't put into words what I was feeling until the next day. Her reply back to me was, "that's some great blogging right there!!" I laughed, because I had actually started typing on an old blog of mine, but then I decided to delete it. Enjoy the song, let it sink in, and then read what stood out to me about it! I would love to hear what stood out to you in the comments!! 



Probably the single most difficult spiritual/emotional battle for me is getting myself lined up with the truth. I know what is true. I know the word of God. I know what God says. I know who God is. But I struggle constantly with my own thoughts and feelings. I can be the first one to encourage someone else, but I never quite believe the same things I say to them for me.

"Fear"... fear is worry, is anxiety... and it creates feelings... 

I am not:

• pretty enough
• good enough
• loved
• wanted
• worthy
• worth anything

First, the whole entire song is 100% where I am... every word. But when it said "There's a place where fear has to face the God you know" over and over again... it was like something inside of me clicked. 

Not that I "Feel" any different, but it was just a reminder that God is going to take care of this. This battle IS going to face the reality of the God that I KNOW!! Not the God that I feel right now (because I am not feeling much to be very honest). The fact that I feel so distant and far from God right now is not fun and not where I want to be, but it is ok. It is ok because it isn't about the God that I feel. It is about the God that I KNOW!! And the thing about that is, no matter what I feel like... we all know that when God faces anything... He wins!!! 

 I don't really even think this song is going to change how I feel, but it was just a breather. It was "permission" to walk through where I am, feeling distant, without it being another thing to beat myself up about. Does it mean I want it to stay this way? Absolutely NOT!! But maybe it is ok that I feel the way I do... just for now.

Like Birthing a Baby

I have been sick this week with a sinus infection/cold. I realized as I was sitting in the doctors office waiting to see the doctor, that I had not been to my primary care doctor in over a year. The outcome was the same both visits, diagnosis of a sinus infection/cold and a prescription for a z pack to help clear it all up.

While both visits to my primary care doctor seemed in their charts to be similar or even identical, they were very different experiences for me. The reason I made the appointment over a year ago, was because I felt miserable. I was convinced that I had the flu. I was sick, yes, but I was so drained and tired. I had no energy, and my symptoms felt way worse than a common cold. I felt like I had been run over by a mack truck!! I ended up home from work for an entire week just for a sinus infection.

I left puzzled that all it was was a sinus infection. Grateful, but puzzled. Why did I feel so awful? What was causing the dramatic difference between how I felt and my reality?

After a week or so, I was feeling some better but still very tired. About two weeks after that, I found out that I was pregnant with my daughter! Not just newly pregnant, but 16 weeks pregnant!! Whoa!! After the shock of that wore off a little bit, I thought back to me being sick. I realized that I felt so much worse than I actually was, because of the pregnancy and I just didn't know it at the time.

Fast forward to this week's visit. I took one day off work to rest, but was back at work this morning. A coworker asked me how I was feeling... then she asked me if I was pregnant again!! I answered that with a big fat NO!!

This all got me thinking. Life is a lot like this sometimes. We have some issue in our life, some circumstance, some problem to solve and it seems so hard. It is the elephant in the room. It makes us so tired and worn out. It makes us feel so bad and we think that it is the worst thing that we have ever faced. What we don't realize, is that there is something else inside of us that is contributing to the weight of the problem. There is way more to it that what you see on the surface.

I am not very far into this journey to freedom. I have a long way to go. But I feel like Jesus is showing me this week, that finding freedom from what is holding you back and weighing you down, is similar to birthing a baby. Reaching down deep into the inner, most deepest holes in your soul, and pulling out whatever is in there. Once it is out, in the light, no longer suppressed, then life will begin to get easier. Everyday circumstances won't seem like World War III anymore.

Birthing a baby is process. 9 months of pregnancy and varying degrees of time and difficulty for the delivery of every baby born. Everyone is different and everyone's story and process will be different. It won't be quick and it won't be easy, but I am convinced that it will be worth it!! Once the process is through, then when life throws a sinus infection your way, it will feel more like a regular sinus infection, and less like the flu.

Finding Freedom

If you had asked me several years ago if I was free, I probably would have either looked at you funny wondering exactly what you meant, or I would have said a resounding YES!! I was born and raised in the United States of America... Land of the free. I was raised in a Christian school and church and I would have told you that Jesus saved me and I was free from sin and death.

I would have said those things... but it would have been a lie. Not a willing lie, but a lie none the less. Freedom is not found in where you live or how you were raised. It isn't found by being able to do as you please. I might ruffle some feathers with this statement, but bear with me. Freedom isn't even found in being a saved, born again Christian. Don't get me wrong, that is definitely a first step to freedom, but salvation in and of itself, is just the beginning. It is the beginning of something amazingly beautiful, and it is imperative for your eternity, but still, it is just the beginning.

I have taken that first step on this journey... and I have taken several others that I will share along the way. But friends, while I am saved and free in Jesus, His daughter, and heir to a heavenly home, there are still things in this life that have me bound. There are things that I am struggling with. Satan doesn't leave us alone when we accept Christ into our lives and hearts. Oh no... he ups his game. And if we don't up ours, we will find ourselves bound, struggling, hurting, and feeling empty and alone.

I'm currently all of the above... but I have a plan and a God who is going to change that. I don't know about you, but I am ready to up my game.