Step Study Successes and Life Change

Hi, my name is Brenda, I am a grateful believer in Jesus and I am in Recovery for Anxiety, Depression, Codependency, and Love and Relationship Addiction.

If you come to celebrate recovery (CR) with me, this is what you might hear me say when it is my turn to speak in small group or step study. What I typically don’t say is that I am overcoming self-harm. Not because I won’t admit it, but because for me it has been a result of the Anxiety… so in regards to my recovery, Anxiety recovery has been my focus.

I say that just as a little background info to help you understand the rest of what I want to share today. I began my first ever CR Step Study back in February (I think). I was excited but really had no idea what to expect and honestly didn’t have any real expectations. I thought it could be a good thing, but I wasn’t expecting any major life change.

Last night as I finished my very last written assignment for this Step Study, I realized a few things. First of all, for all the days that I felt like this would never end, I made it!! 9 months later, I made it to the end of Step Study!! WOW!!

Secondly… I really had experienced some life change, it just happened so subtly, one day at a time, one moment at a time, that I hadn’t been able to notice it along the way. So what exactly changed and why?

When I started step study, I would only say that I was in recovery for Anxiety, Depression and Codependency. One change is that I learned that I have a Love and Relationship Addiction. Now, if you don’t know what that is (and it honestly can be different things for different people) let me explain what it is for me.

My husband and I have been together for 15 years, married for 14. We haven’t had a perfect marriage. Life gets in the way and it is HARD! Through the process of Step Study and sharing my inventory with my sponsor, I was lovingly advised, that I had put my husband in the roll of God in my life. That I was hurt by my husband’s shortcomings, but it wasn’t so much because of his shortcomings (we all have them, we are all human) it was because I was depending on him to be for me what only God could be for me. So when he failed (and he would, because no one but God can fill those God size holes in our hearts) then I would be hurt and upset at him. I was holding him to an unreasonable standard. I was depending on my husband to give me the love and security that I thought I needed to be ok, but the only love and security that I need to be ok is the love and security that I can find in Jesus. Now, this is a new revelation to me and I will not say that I have overcome this… but I am now aware of it, and I can work the steps and work on letting God fill those holes… there are plenty that need to be filled!!

The other thing that has happened over the course of this step study, is that I have managed 7 months without using self-harm as a coping mechanism. I hadn’t even really thought about it until the last few weeks. I still have a lot of anxiety and I still have occasional panic attacks, but I have not coped with it using self-harm. That in itself is huge, but considering the fact that the last few months have been the hardest of my life, to say that I have managed to get through the days (and long, dark, HARD nights) without turning to that coping mechanism is pretty huge! THANK YOU JESUS and THANK YOU CELEBRATE RECOVERY!!!

Now for the story of why. The ultimate reason that these things are changing is because of Jesus Christ. He is the only one who I can credit to for this. However, one of the greatest blessings that I believe Jesus gives us in life is community.

Before Step Study, I attended CR but I didn’t make many connections. That wasn’t because the opportunity wasn’t there, but because I really didn’t want to. I struggle with large groups and I usually just feel invisible and do not do a good job at all of reaching outside of myself in those situations. Step Study gave me a community of women to lean on. People to call or text. People to pray. People to love me and become new lifelong friends!!

Along with community, Step Study also gave me accountability. This community of women cared enough to check on me and see how I was doing. I gained a Sponsor to help me along this recovery journey. She has both loved and encouraged me as well as pushed and challenged me.

Step Study has also given me a plan. A written plan for overcoming life’s hurts, habits and hang ups. It has given me tools to use to go from where I am in life to somewhere better! The CR curriculum is amazing, but ultimately what makes it so amazing, is it is a step by step guide to bring me closer to Jesus and allowing him to work on the places inside of me that need healing or need change.

I have a friend who has consistently said, “we weren’t meant to live life alone” and I believe that now more than I ever have before. I am thankful for my new community in Christ. I am thankful for my Step Sisters, both the ones who love on me and the ones who hold my feet to the fire. And I am thankful for my Sponsor. I’m not sure I would have even finished this step study without her, and now I honestly can’t wait until I can sign up for another one!!

Identity Crisis Diverted

Our family began attending Celebrate Recovery back in September of last year. When I mention Celebrate Recovery, some people look at me funny but some are actually brave enough to just say what they were thinking... "Why do you go to celebrate recovery? You aren't an addict are you"? No. I'm not an addict, but when someone tells you that Celebrate Recovery is for EVERYONE you should definitely believe them!

In the beginning, I was attending to support a loved one in their recovery journey. I had no idea how much I needed it for myself. I have spent years struggling with Anxiety, Depression, Codependency, and occasionaly self-harm. I knew the self-harm was a bad thing and an "issue" but the rest of it, I didn't lable as a problem. Instead, I told myself that it was a part of my personality. I told myself that God created me this way and that it was just "who I am". I would tell myself that being depressed more than happy, anxious and nervous to the point of injuring myself, and worrying constantly about everyone else that mattered to me in my life to the point of driving myself further and further into that anxious cycle that eventually led to self harming again... I told myself that all of that ridiculous hot mess of how I was living my life... I told myself that that was "How God Made Me".

That was a big fat ugly lie from satan himself!! Anxiety and Depression are not who I am as a person. They are not a part of my personality. They are not a never ending part of my life. Life is hard. Good days and bad days come. There are all kinds of factors that contribute to Anxiety and Depression and I will not sit here and say that someone can just "snap out of it" or change how they feel and think overnight. Not at all!! In a lot of cases, Anxiety and Depression are real medical issues and should not be ignored. But, they are not an ingrained part of anyones existence.

Growing up in Christian School and Church I was raised to belive that God made me who I am and that He loves me for who I am. And that is true!! But isn't it interesting the way satan can twist what God intends for good and try and turn it into something bad. Yes, God loves me for who I am, but His plan for my life is not to stay a broken, depressed, anxious hot mess!! He is a GOOD FATHER and he wants better for me. While He may allow hard times, He allows them to build character and help me to get closer to Him. He does not allow them for me to take them on as my personal identiy!!

 Jesus and Celebrate Recovery are helping me to get through the day to day. I still don't know exactly how to do it all and I will still struggle... ALOT; but I will no longer accept my anxiety, depression, and codependency as a part of my design. They are a struggle of this life. They are NOT what God created me for!!