Step Study Successes and Life Change

Hi, my name is Brenda, I am a grateful believer in Jesus and I am in Recovery for Anxiety, Depression, Codependency, and Love and Relationship Addiction.

If you come to celebrate recovery (CR) with me, this is what you might hear me say when it is my turn to speak in small group or step study. What I typically don’t say is that I am overcoming self-harm. Not because I won’t admit it, but because for me it has been a result of the Anxiety… so in regards to my recovery, Anxiety recovery has been my focus.

I say that just as a little background info to help you understand the rest of what I want to share today. I began my first ever CR Step Study back in February (I think). I was excited but really had no idea what to expect and honestly didn’t have any real expectations. I thought it could be a good thing, but I wasn’t expecting any major life change.

Last night as I finished my very last written assignment for this Step Study, I realized a few things. First of all, for all the days that I felt like this would never end, I made it!! 9 months later, I made it to the end of Step Study!! WOW!!

Secondly… I really had experienced some life change, it just happened so subtly, one day at a time, one moment at a time, that I hadn’t been able to notice it along the way. So what exactly changed and why?

When I started step study, I would only say that I was in recovery for Anxiety, Depression and Codependency. One change is that I learned that I have a Love and Relationship Addiction. Now, if you don’t know what that is (and it honestly can be different things for different people) let me explain what it is for me.

My husband and I have been together for 15 years, married for 14. We haven’t had a perfect marriage. Life gets in the way and it is HARD! Through the process of Step Study and sharing my inventory with my sponsor, I was lovingly advised, that I had put my husband in the roll of God in my life. That I was hurt by my husband’s shortcomings, but it wasn’t so much because of his shortcomings (we all have them, we are all human) it was because I was depending on him to be for me what only God could be for me. So when he failed (and he would, because no one but God can fill those God size holes in our hearts) then I would be hurt and upset at him. I was holding him to an unreasonable standard. I was depending on my husband to give me the love and security that I thought I needed to be ok, but the only love and security that I need to be ok is the love and security that I can find in Jesus. Now, this is a new revelation to me and I will not say that I have overcome this… but I am now aware of it, and I can work the steps and work on letting God fill those holes… there are plenty that need to be filled!!

The other thing that has happened over the course of this step study, is that I have managed 7 months without using self-harm as a coping mechanism. I hadn’t even really thought about it until the last few weeks. I still have a lot of anxiety and I still have occasional panic attacks, but I have not coped with it using self-harm. That in itself is huge, but considering the fact that the last few months have been the hardest of my life, to say that I have managed to get through the days (and long, dark, HARD nights) without turning to that coping mechanism is pretty huge! THANK YOU JESUS and THANK YOU CELEBRATE RECOVERY!!!

Now for the story of why. The ultimate reason that these things are changing is because of Jesus Christ. He is the only one who I can credit to for this. However, one of the greatest blessings that I believe Jesus gives us in life is community.

Before Step Study, I attended CR but I didn’t make many connections. That wasn’t because the opportunity wasn’t there, but because I really didn’t want to. I struggle with large groups and I usually just feel invisible and do not do a good job at all of reaching outside of myself in those situations. Step Study gave me a community of women to lean on. People to call or text. People to pray. People to love me and become new lifelong friends!!

Along with community, Step Study also gave me accountability. This community of women cared enough to check on me and see how I was doing. I gained a Sponsor to help me along this recovery journey. She has both loved and encouraged me as well as pushed and challenged me.

Step Study has also given me a plan. A written plan for overcoming life’s hurts, habits and hang ups. It has given me tools to use to go from where I am in life to somewhere better! The CR curriculum is amazing, but ultimately what makes it so amazing, is it is a step by step guide to bring me closer to Jesus and allowing him to work on the places inside of me that need healing or need change.

I have a friend who has consistently said, “we weren’t meant to live life alone” and I believe that now more than I ever have before. I am thankful for my new community in Christ. I am thankful for my Step Sisters, both the ones who love on me and the ones who hold my feet to the fire. And I am thankful for my Sponsor. I’m not sure I would have even finished this step study without her, and now I honestly can’t wait until I can sign up for another one!!

The Giving End of Grace

Grace is one of the greatest gifts a person can receive whether that grace comes from God or from another human being. The idea of grace is appealing to all of us and it should be! No matter how close we are to the Lord, we are all imperfect humans who occasionally mess up. Some of us mess up more often than others, but none of us are perfect. That is where grace and forgiveness come into the picture.

We love the idea of grace and forgiveness when we are on the receiving end, but how do we feel about it when we are the one who needs to extend it to someone else. When it is our turn to forgive and extend grace to another, how excited do we get? For some people maybe it depends… on the circumstances, on the level of offense, on the hurt you feel, or on any other number of factors.

How often do we determine our willingness to extend grace based on “how bad” the offense was of the person we need to extend grace to? I would venture to say, at least initially, that it factors into our thought process nearly every time we are faced with the decision. That is our human nature I suppose. We somehow think that in order to extend grace the other person has to earn it, or show remorse, or change. But that isn’t what grace is at all.

Grace according to the dictionary is an unmerited, undeserved, act of kindness, courtesy, or clemency. Clemency gets into the legal realm… the only people who request clemency are people who have been found guilty and sentenced. Prisoners on death row are sometimes granted clemency by the Governor and spared their life. Ya’ll… this grace thing isn’t for perfect people; it is for imperfect, guilty people.

Grace and forgiveness are a blessing to the receiver, but it is also freedom for the giver! Extending grace does not mean excusing behavior. It doesn’t mean that you continue to put yourself in a position where someone can continue to hurt you. It doesn’t mean that you don’t expect better in the future. But what it does do is it removes the weight and burden from the giver. What the receiver of grace does isn’t the issue… what giving grace does for the giver is.

Let’s get really honest for a minute though. Most of us don’t hesitate to extend grace because we want to be bitter or hold onto the past. Most of us just want a better tomorrow. We want things to be different. We want things to change. We want the other person to learn and grown and be different in the future. We think that we need to see the change before we can give the grace. That is nice when that can happen, but in all honesty, that probably won’t be your reality.

I read an article online today where the writer said, “Shame didn’t teach me. Grace did. And I didn’t learn grace by hearing about it, but by being the recipient of it.”

What a powerful statement. Is it possible, that the results we are hoping for by putting our foot down, and demanding change before we offer grace, are the exact results we could obtain if we offer grace instead of demanding change. What if grace is actually the catalyst for change?

I would love to hear your stories! I know you all have some!! How has swallowing your pride and showing grace to others resulted in change in your life? Leave your story in the comments!!

Hurting But Hopeful

It has been almost three months since my last post. Heartfelt I am... but consistent I am not!! A whole lot has happened in the last three months. Very little of it has been anything good to talk about. Most of it has been hard...very hard. Some of it has completely wrecked me.

I have tried to make sense of my circumstances and they just don't make sense. I have tried to understand and rationalize, and I just can't. I have tried to find some sort of answer where there is no answer to be found. The only answer I can find right now, is that even through all of the pain, there is still hope.

There is an entire section in Romans 12 that talks about how we are to live as Christians in this world. There are a lot of instructions... love your neighbor, be fervent in serving the Lord, help those around you, hate what is evil and cling to what is good, just to name a few. But verse 12 speaks volumes to me right now in the place that I am walking in.

"rejoicing in hope, patient in tribulation, continuing steadfastly in prayer"

These three things are listed under this section in Romans about how to behave as a Christian. I understand being patient in tribulation and continuing steadfastly in prayer. Rejoicing in Hope is a little bit harder for me to comprehend.

Hope is a word that has eluded me for many years. When I hear people talk about Hope, I just can't grasp that concept very easily. I think mostly because of my personality. I need things to be laid out for me, in a clear, concise, explainable way. Hope is not a tangible thing, so it is much harder for me to accept.

Romans 8:24-25 helps me sort it out somewhat...  

"... hope that is seen is not hope; for why does one still hope for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we eagerly wait for it with perseverance."

Me and my need for tangible, concrete, black and white stuff in life is just out of luck when it comes to HOPE! Hope is not tangible, concrete, or black and white... and if it were it wouldn't be hope, it would be something else. Then I came across Hebrews 6:19-20. 

"This hope we have as an anchor of the soul, both sure and steadfast, and which enters the Presence behind the veil, where the forerunner has entered for us, even Jesus, having become High Priest forever according to the order of Melchizedek."

Jesus is my hope, an anchor of the soul, sure and steadfast... those words are pretty concrete, and tangible, and black and white... It is a hard and fast promise. Not a maybe... or an If I'm good enough... or lucky enough... but a sure and steadfast anchor of my hurting soul.

What exactly am I hoping for? Peace. Internal peace... That is it. Nothing more. I am not sure that my circumstances will change and no matter what I do, I certainly can't make them change... so my hope in Jesus isn't a hope that my circumstances will change. It is only a hope for my own inner peace.